Clarifying Without Sounding Accusatory

For a long time, I used to just… guess. If instructions didn’t make sense, I’d try to figure it out myself and hope for the best. Spoiler: that’s a recipe for disaster. Because what I thought my boss wanted wasn’t always what they actually wanted.

These days, I’ve learned to say things like:

• “I’m sorry, can you explain that again? I’m struggling to process.”

• Or, if it keeps happening: “Would you mind putting that in the AI so it can help reword it for me?”

That shift—asking instead of guessing—has saved me (and everyone else) a lot of frustration.

Here’s the tricky part though: clarifying without sounding accusatory. For example, when I ask a student, “Why are you doing it that way?” I’m not scolding them. I genuinely want to understand their process. But if they’ve had bosses or teachers use that phrase as an attack before, their brain hears: “You’re doing it wrong.”

So what do we do?

• Avoid “you” language when possible. (“That’s not what you said” → “I thought I heard it this way, can we check?”)

• Don’t throw yourself under the bus either. Constantly saying “Sorry, I’m the problem” creates a power imbalance and makes you feel guilty for existing.

• Keep it simple. Over-explaining is a trap. Too short, and you risk being misunderstood. Too long, and suddenly you sound guilty—or worse, like you’re lying.

Texting makes this even messier. I’m blunt. I don’t like fluff. I don’t like emojis. But when I didn’t use them, people assumed my tone was angry or cold. Now, yes, I literally use AI sometimes to throw a few emojis into my texts so I don’t accidentally set off someone’s “oh no, they’re mad at me” alarms. 🙃

And in real life? My resting face screams “bored out of my mind,” even when I’m having a great time. I stay quiet until I feel safe, which makes people think I’m not enjoying myself. Meanwhile, I’m often over here misreading their vibes, convinced someone’s annoyed at me when really they’re just tired or deep in thought.

The point is: clarification is a balancing act. The goal isn’t to be perfect, or to bend yourself into whatever shape makes other people comfortable. It’s to create space for understanding without loading it up with unnecessary guilt, assumptions, or accusations.

Sometimes the clearest thing you can say is: “I want to make sure I understand you right.”

That one sentence can save you from a whole spiral of misunderstandings, both ways.